


My poems

by Fr3nch_Potatoes



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, I don't know how often it'll be updated, I'm heading into my seasonal depression so get ready for some dark stuff, Thanks for reading if these shitty tags manage to draw you in, This is going to be a place for my poetry, there's some depressing shit in here folks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-01-21 12:37:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12457947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fr3nch_Potatoes/pseuds/Fr3nch_Potatoes
Summary: Poems. That's really it. No fanfic stuff this time. Sorry if that was what you were looking for.





	1. Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I call this a poem when it's more like an essay so yeah

I've got the world's most beautiful family. We're not perfect. God we're not perfect. We break and we fall down, and sometimes we want to scream to the heavens shouting "Why!?" but, oh, there is something heartwrenchingly beautiful about the struggle and the pain. 

There's something soberingly beautiful about the patterns that form on the paper below me from tears that cascade from my eyes, marring the ink from my pen. 

There's something so powerful when my mom gets angry. You get to see there's still fire burning in her eyes and she hasn't given up yet and - this word will be overused - but it's beautiful.

Those rare nights when my brother opens up to me and shows how much it hurts on the inside. It makes me want to open up my chest and say "Me too." The way he keeps pushing forward, even when he feels like breaking, is as beautiful as a shattered prism casting a rainbow. 

The way my father keeps up his smile and tries his best to understand, trying to get on matching wavelengths with me. I don't know anyone who tries as hard as my dad to understand me, and when I try and make it easier, I snap. My anger at him is not beautiful in the slightest. But the way he perseveres... that is something I wish I could do when I fall. Now that's beauty.

There's something beautiful in hope, too. The way my Mom practically bleeds it. All the hope she has for me. I often wish I could steal some of that blood. She's beautiful when she smiles at me; I can see that hope shining in her eyes. I find that hope inside my brother, too. Sometimes, the hope overrides the pain and that prism trying to put itself back together is a beautiful thing to see. 

I don't truly know my Dad. I know he likes jelly beans and starburst candy. He likes 80 degree days and driving with the top down in his T-bird. I know these random things, but not all of my dad. I can hear the hope, though. When it's just us and he's talking about math and I still don't understand; or when we're singing American Pie on the open road. I hear it then: Hope. Clear as Day. 

I'm still trying to find mine, so I'm not as beautiful ... yet. Maybe someday I will shine like those rainbows, too.


	2. Natalie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poem about loosing someone I love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating this even though it's not being read by anyone. I don't mind though.

I don't know when I fell out of love.

I can remember realising when I fell in a different kind of love with you.

I don't know when that spark faded. I can remember when I realized I was lacking it.

I don't know when I started to pretend that the spark would come home to me.

I can remember with clarity when I felt it with someone else.

I can remember the confusion came.

I can remember deciding to talk to you about it.

I can remember the sharp pain of loss.

I don't need to remember the feeling of a cannon ball being plunged through my chest.

I still feel it.

I feel the jagged edges and festering holes.

There is no need to remember here. 

There is no need to remember here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A poem about wishing things were different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey possible readers! Enjoy this sad af poem ✌

Here I am amiss in all the wreckage, broken parts surround me. I thought I could win this fight but it was just my naivete

I once had hope, oh how hard I grasped it but it still escaped me. I remember falling like ashes to the floor. I foolishly thought someone could save me but here I am, crumpled on the ground. 

I am lost. 

I am lost. 

I am lost with all these people. 

Find me. 

Find me. 

Find me I can't find myself. 

Sometimes I wish I couldn't breathe. 

Sometimes I wish all my blood was pouring out of me. Sometimes I wish I knew what it felt like to fly but with a more permanent destination. And sometimes I even let myself dream that I have escaped from this hell intent on killing me. 

There are just so many times where I wish I could break away from the chains holding me. 

So many times where I just want to breathe. 

So many times where all I want is to be... 

Free.


	4. Pronounced Dead in 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A poem about missing who you used to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another installment to a series no one is reading but it's fine

I miss who I use to be.

I miss the girl I once was before my childhood got ripped away from me.

I miss the days where I only worried about coloring inside the lines instead of debating if I'm going to finally die tonight.

I miss when my laughter was light and airy. I don't like the jaded and cynical edge it holds now.

I miss how my once blue eyes shined bright with love and brimming with hope, now I just look in the mirror and see how dull the hazel has gotten.

I miss it all. I miss my genuine smiles. I miss how carefree I used to be. I miss all the friends I've lost because of this. I miss being able to look at a sunrise and see how truly beautiful a new day was. I resent them now. Honestly, I miss me. I miss my old self so much it hurts. I ache every time I think about how so much of my life was stripped away from me. I really miss who I use to be. I miss me. 

Rest in peace because the world wrapped a noose around that little girl’s neck and know that person I dream of being is never coming back.


	5. Don't Worry About Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry about me. I'm okay.

Don't worry about me, I'm alright.

Don't worry about me, I won't break us all apart again.

Don't worry about me, I'm not lying.

Don't worry about me, Mom please stop hurting.

Don't worry about me, Brother I swear my smile is real.

Don't worry about me, Dad I promise I can feel.

Don't worry about me, the pain I feel I'll try to hide it.

Don't worry about me, please stop crying.

Don't worry about me, there's nothing to see here.

Don't worry about me, I'm just trying to protect you.

Don't worry about me, I'm doing my best I'm trying.

Don't worry about me.

Don't worry about me.


	6. A Pill For This, A Pill For That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My experience with medication

A pill for this, a pill for that leaves you hunched over the toilet dry heaving.

A pill for this, a pill for that you'll find yourself curled up in bed with gut wrenching stomach pain.

A pill for this, a pill for that will have the heals of your hands pressed into your eyelids, trying to block out the last of the light.

A pill for this, a pill for that and you won't be able to stand and walk on your own.

A pill for this, a pill for that and your skull feels like it's cracking apart.

A pill for this, a pill for that makes you vomit all over the floor.

A pill for this, a pill for that helps the anger take over.

A pill for this, a pill for that balloons you up in weight.

A pill for this, a pill for that does nothing and you're just left to suffer.

A pill for this, a pill for that makes you not want to take the pills for this or that anymore.


	7. Don't Lie To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't lie to me

Don't lie to me.

Don't lie to me and say I'm beautiful.

Don't lie to me and say I'm brave.

Don't lie to me and say I'm an inspiration.

Don't lie to me and say you love me.

Don't lie to me and say it'll get better.

Don't lie to me and say I'm worth it.

Don't lie to me and say I deserve the world.

Don't lie to me and say the pain is worth it if it means helping me.

Don't lie to me and say you'll always be here for me.

Don't lie to me!

Everyone stop lying to me!


	8. Lock Jawed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you can't admit that you need help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Lock Jaw is actually a code word I now use that means "I need help." I'm hoping it'll be easier that way.

Have you ever tried screaming for help but your mouth is locked? It's terrifying.

You're just sitting alone and your head feels so crowded with thoughts of worthlessness and uselessness and for once, you know you need help but your depression is masquerading as a safety blanket.

Your now hopelessly tangled in that blanket because it wants to keep you down and in it's hold.

Even if you manage to break free, now your just standing in front of your mom or dad or friend or whoever the fuck you have with this lock around your mouth.

When they ask you if you're okay, the lock loosens and your thinking that this is your chance to scream for their help but what comes out is “I'm okay.” Or “I'm fine.” 

That's when you realize the lock didn't give you a sliver of hope of speaking up. No, it just added another lock. One made of lies.

So Have you ever tried screaming for help but your mouth is locked? It's terrifying.


	9. Wannabe Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into my transgender issues

I look in the mirror and this is what I see. A wannabe boy staring back at me.

And I swear he'd have the look down if it weren't for his body.

Or his voice that betrays him every time he opens his mouth to speak.

Or the high pitched squeak that comes out when he sneezes that's so painfully feminine.

He tries though. The wannabe boy tries. Hoping that one day the inside will truly show on the outside.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!


End file.
